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I am...

Feb. 24th, 2014 12:09 am From start to finish, it was...

...Another day in paradise. My idea of "paradise" includes unpredictable weather, time spent with family, snuggling with my dogs, catching up with friends, enjoying some delicious food, and a lot of productivity as far as my murder mystery troupe goes. And that's exactly how the day went. So, yes, another day in paradise.

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Feb. 22nd, 2014 10:57 pm Quote, Unquote.

This past week I was involved in a one-sided Facebook war with two restaurant owners who decided I had somehow "wronged" them by using quotation marks around a word in a blog. One-sided in that I refused to comment or address any of the personal attacks on me. It got very interesting, because once they started attacking me, their friends (who do not know me) also started attacking me on a very personal level. I was actually pretty intrigued by the whole thing.

It would have continued, I suppose, if the personal check these low-lifes gave me for a show hadn't bounced. Once it bounced, and they were forced to, red-faced, pay what they owed me in cash, they suddenly didn't have anything else to say. Plus when I explained what quotation marks meant, that really shut them up.

On another note, today is my youngest daughter's 23rd birthday. I adore this young woman. When I first started writing about her in 2005 she was 14-years old. She was in high school, loved her Mama and was devoted to the family. Now, she's in college, works as a bartender while going to school, still loves her Mama and is still devoted to the family. And she makes me laugh. A lot. 23 years ago I wasn't laughing - 12 weeks early and only 2.4 pounds, there wasn't a lot to laugh about until she got out of the woods. Which she did. It's been good thinking about that day, though. Just how that felt. How scared I was, how frightening the whole experience was.

Nothing to fear today though. And you can quote me on that.

Current Mood: amusedamused

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Feb. 8th, 2014 12:07 am back!

I don't want to say I'm back from the dead... but. I'm back. I went through something, and it was horrible, but now I'm finally in a place where I'm past it. I'm happy, healthy, and I am proud to say, I never lost my sense of humor. So hang on, because I'm back, and can't wait to see what all of YOU have been up to in the past six years since everything changed.

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Nov. 25th, 2008 11:23 pm Happy Days

Hello! I hope any of my old friends reading this remember me... I've been gone a long, long time. Dark times. But now, good times. A cancer survivor. TWICE! After the horrendous leiomyosarcoma, a quick bout with melanoma. But all's well! I'm good! Crazy busy with murder mysteries, my family, writing for a local magazine... and in love.

I plan to pop in regularly again. Feeling good.

Love to you all, and Happy Thanksgiving! ~ Paula

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Oct. 24th, 2007 08:30 pm Here today, here tomorrow.

I'm sitting here, at home, watching the World Series. This is a very rare event. Sitting here in my chair, watching TV BEFORE 10:00 PM? Wow. Weird.

My life is very full right now. I work all day, then have rehearsals, shows, visits to see my new grand-baby, Sundays at my folks watching football, Monday Night Football at my sister's, a bar/band I just love on Friday nights, swimming every morning at the gym, and for the next few weeks, my nephew is playing in travel ball tournaments and I absolutely HAVE to go to every game because I am his biggest fan, and he, my 15-year old nephew, future Atlanta Brave, still thinks his Aunt Paula is pretty damned cool. I am busy, there is no doubt about it, but I notice my busy life is all fun, all things I just absolutely love. I am always, ALWAYS, behind on housework, laundry, grocery shopping, taking care of the mail and all those normal tedious things that make up real life. And guess what? I don't care!

Cancer changes you. Your priorities just change. There's no question about it. And while it's true that before I was diagnosed with cancer, my life was very full with family and my mystery business, now it's full of those things plus so much more. My friends have been pulled into my "inner circle," I go out to meet new people and do new things... plays, concerts, or, just a quick drive over to the high school to look at the float my daughter is working on. I no longer say, "No, I can't, I have to stay home and catch up on my..." No, now it's "Yes, absolutely!." And I catch up eventually. Somehow. I find 5 minutes here and there to throw in a load of laundry, or load the dishwasher with whatever might be in the sink.

I cook less... I love to cook, I do, but I'm just not home enough, and to tell you the truth, standing in the kitchen is hard on me, hard on my leg. My leg. Hmmm... it has its own agenda and its own needs. Sometimes it doesn't feel like it's a part of my body, although when it hurts it's hard to ignore the fact that it is.

Despite that, the hurt, the disfigurement, the disabled status, I am enjoying every moment of my life. And I am so in the moment now. Really IN the moment. Even the bad parts.

And that is just so good.

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Oct. 20th, 2007 11:29 pm still looking.

Hello! Hope this finds everyone doing well.

I'm happy to report that I just had another clear CT-Scan. No new tumors... the cancer has not spread to my lungs. There's a very painful place on my bad leg that they decided may need an MRI "just in case," but the guess is it's just scar tissue causing the pain.

I was given a permanent handicapped parking pass. In some ways it's a sad sign... I was told, finally, that the pain and swelling will not go away for years. I've had 2 temporary passes (6 months each) so far. The good thing I guess is I don't have to worry about renewing it for awhile. But it seems sort of final in a way. Like I'll never be the same. Now I have a blue handicapped parking pass.

But regardless of the pass, I feel that life is getting back to normal.

I still struggle with my teenager. Outwardly all is well. But I'll be damned if I know how things really are.

My murder mysteries thrive. 4 shows this month, 2 in November and 6 in December. Shows scheduled through March at this point. I'm almost finished writing a new one. Many more women then men. I need more men.

In many ways. haha.

See... some things never change. ; )

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Sep. 7th, 2007 12:37 am

Got a nudge from an LJ friend tonight. I had been thinking about Lj today... ironic that she wrote.

I am alive. I am Ok. My leg is intact. I am disabled and tired, but I am still here.

I just got really tired of hearing myself.

Not sure what else to say right now. So... I will stop talking again, for awhile.

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Jun. 4th, 2007 06:53 pm Shake it up baby

27 "dives" in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber, with 13 to go. 2 sedatives do the trick, along with a good movie. I sometimes doze but usually am awake for the entire 2 hours in the chamber. It's fine... I view this as an honor. I mean really, how many people get to undergo this type of treatment?! Not many. And I am definitely feeling better, and my leg looks better. Not so angry. Almost a normal color, not a lot of swelling. Still hurts like heck but only if I do too much, which I do tend to do.

Everything is so different now. I'm still surprised when I wake up and feel the pain, and remember what happened. I'll never get used to seeing my one-legged stockings, the daily wound care, the constant aching... and I certainly never thought I would be disfigured.

I'm getting around though. I managed to get quite a lot of stuff out of my garage and down to my sister's for a big garage sale this past weekend. I couldn't load some of the big stuff, but I made a dent and it felt good to be so physical, even if I was physical in a slow, steady sort of way.

Other parts of my life also just seem to be plodding along. Dark Daughter and I are waiting anxiously to find out if she gets to go back to high school in the fall. Should find out sometime this month. Otherwise she'll go to the on-line high school for another semester. She's been relatively well-behaved. Finally got her lerner's permit so that's been interesting.

It seems everything is very steady and slow right now. Steady recovery, steady show productions, steady schedule... Boring, in fact.

Need something to shake things up.

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May. 7th, 2007 08:25 pm strength in numbers

I'll take an "A+" for my 2 hour stint in the hyperbaric oxygen chamber this morning, thank you very much. 2 sedatives did the trick. Was finally able to sail through the ordeal... no tears, no shakes, no sweats, no fainting. Yeah for me! And my leg was most grateful that I didn't wimp out.

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May. 6th, 2007 11:10 pm Heavy heart...

I haven't posted in awhile. Sometimes you just have to close up. Too much going on, or too little, or too many bad things, or... for whatever reason, I just close up. Then I find myself posting in my head.

I've just returned from a weekend in Atlanta. The Dark Daughter and I joined my sister and her family for a weekend of baseball. We saw the Dodgers beat the Braves last night, and the Braves beat the Dodgers today. It was a fantastic weekend, despite the 6 hour drive to and from Atlanta. And spending all that time with the Dark Daughter was beneficial, as I felt we bonded and I could talk to her, privately, when we got home.

Earlier in the week I found drugs in the possession of the Dark Daughter, after 4 months of promises and attempts to clean up her act. I am disappointed and I am afraid for her. But I told her tonight, after we got home, that I would not back up her attempts to get back into "regular" high school unless she quit using drugs. Period. I may have finally found something that made an impression. I could see it in her eyes. She wants to go back to school. If I don't back her, she won't. Period. So I gave her one more chance. Anything suspicious and I'll send her to the "bad kid" school, not "regular" school. She believed me. At least for now.

We'll see how this plays out.

My cancer is in check. The CT Scan two weeks ago revealed no new tumors. The open wound on my leg has finally closed, but I am going to a hyberbaric oxygen chamber every day for 2 hours in a final attempt to heal the rest of my leg, which is fragile and infected most of the time. The chamber is a nightmare for me. I have had 3 anxiety attacks in 7 visits, inside the chamber. Back again in the morning to try again. I haven't found that peaceful happy place to go to when I feel my chest start to close up inside the chamber. And it takes 10 minutes to get me out. A 10 minute anxiety attack is no picnic. But I've been through so much. I just can't let this beat me.

It's hard to be in that chamber with so many heavy thoughts.

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